I was always told that I am a difficult person to deal with. I have also known a lot of difficult people in my life. I don't like or appreciate the term "Dealing with them", but there has to be that we are behaving around them, to get things done.
The book revolves mainly around corporate hacks. I first thought it's about dealing with difficult people in life, in general. However, it only reflects on how to get work done in office around these people.
I wanted to spin this a little, use the tips and tricks mentioned in this book to bring to different spheres of life. I have tried summarising the book chapter wise, by putting forth common conversations in common scenarios; with a before and after using the hacks of the book.
Chapter-1: How To Resolve A Conflict?
Scene BEFORE: A couple went to a movie date. They got into one of the most silliest fights. It started this way:
"That's not a good pic. We don't look good together" he said frowning at the pic.
She was clearly appalled at that statement and looked at him confused. "Why would you say a thing like that? We have been together for way too long, and you feel that way about us?"
"No, I meant we don't look good together in this pic" he defended.
"You have always said mean things like these almost every time I clicked a pic together. You haven't even posted about us up recently! I am sure you are done with us!" her voice was cracking up now.
"You always overreact and look at things the wrong way! Why are you so insecure?"
The fight lasted an entire night. Things were said that fuelled the fight, the body language was clearly on the offence, than the defence. The tone was accusing, than curiously asking.
Scene AFTER: A couple went to a movie date. They got into one of the most silliest fights. It started this way:
"That's not a good pic. We don't look good together" he said frowning at the picture his girlfriend clicked.
She was clearly appalled at that statement and looked at him confused. "You always say that to all our pictures together! If you have such an issue with us, why don't you leave or try talking to me?" she spat.
"What? You are overreacting right now!"
She knew there's a fight coming onto them, a piled up one at that. But she collected herself in the present, thought to honour her partner's perspective. It's his perspective, after all. The fight was warm right now, not too hot or not too cold. Perfect time to blend the fight, is now!
"Let's take a step back, I don't want to ruin the night. What do you mean by that? Is it just this picture, us all the time or us in pictures?" she asked, in a very calm and compassionate tone. The body language was suggesting that she was curious, and didn't want to jump to conclusions.
"No, no! I didn't it mean that way. I just meant, for this one pic" he said, yet in a defensive way.
"Makes sense. Probably how you see it. Not meaning to dig up the past, or stir up a fight; but you said similar things about almost all our pictures. Just wanted to know is everything okay, do you not think we are all set in pictures?" She asked with a playful smile. Questions like these could get someone defensive. So she made it a safe space first.
"No, I don't think it that way. I am actually pretty sure we look amazing together in real life. I don't look too good in pictures, is all" he smiled back.
She understood, respected and got her question clarified as well - all without a conflict.
MORAL: Honour thy partner. Honour their perceptions and perspectives, they are allowed to see the world differently. Honour your doubts as well, and try working out a neutral way of getting them clarified than jumping to conclusions. Your body language and tone always dictates where your fight is headed at, be mindful.
Chapter-2: How To Deal With Stressful Conversations?
Scene BEFORE: You are a father who just got your daughter's report card. She failed in 2 subjects. You had no idea about her losing hold over her academics until now.
"I got your report card today. You failed in 2 subjects! The marks are pathetic and the teacher's remarks are even more troubling! What have you been doing with all the fees I have been paying?" you spat out at her.
She was clearly tensed because she had no idea that you received the report card. She was at loss of words. She kept looking at you blank.
"What are you staring at? What have you been doing in college? Why are the marks so pathetic?"
"I don't know! I don't like those subjects" she hit back with an answer that obviously is a defence.
"Oh yes, princess? You don't like those subjects? Why don't you try appealing to the board to let you go without Maths and Science? Let's see what an amazing engineer you'd become then!"
"I don't want to be an engineer! I want to be a singer!"
"There's no way that's happening! You are grounded. Get back to your room, keep your phone here and get that attitude fixed before you step out"
Clearly, nobody is winning here. You're acting out of ego and rage. Your daughter is acting out of immaturity.
Scene AFTER: You are a father who just got your daughter's report card. She failed in 2 subjects. You had no idea about her losing hold over her academics until now.
"I got your report card today. You failed in 2 subjects! The marks are not good, you know that. I want to understand why; and what is it that I can do to help?" there's a tone laced with compassion.
"I don't want to talk about it. I hate those subjects and I have difficulty focusing in the class" she snaps back.
"That's alright, even I wouldn't like a couple of subjects back in school. I couldn't help it. Why don't you like them, and what do you think we can do to at least score the passing?"
Now that she knows you understand, you have empathised and even offered help; chances of her confiding in you would be more than 50%.
"I don't know, dad. There are just so many formulae that I find it difficult to mug them all up. I try and then I fail, so I stopped trying"
Now that there's a problem, willingness to solve the problem from both the sides; there will be a solution drawn sooner than later.
MORAL: Leave your ego aside in stressful conversations. There are simple ladder steps you have to climb when you need to have a stressful conversation: Tone it down. Watch your language. Empathise with their problem, it's theirs alone. Offer assistance and have them talk to you. The idea is to take stress out of stressful conversations, find a solution and then get to a common ground.
Chapter - 3: How To Deal With Passive Aggression?
Scene BEFORE: You are having one of the worst fights with your wife on a very silly topic about household chores. Her first instinct is to withdraw and go into absolute silence. Your response is to give her time and space. Because of lack of attention, she is now passive aggressive. After a couple of hours of passive aggression, you give up.
"I think we have to really deal with this like an adult. You are being absolutely childish right now" you snap after she almost threw the spoon on the dining table.
"What is wrong with you? I am not even saying anything! You are the one who came up again to start a fight with me" she says in a blatantly bland tone.
"Why are you downplaying everything? You are almost throwing every single thing in air! I can feel the hostility till here" you are almost yelling at her.
"This is your problem right here! You are looking for excuses to fight with me, so you can get away from me and blame me afterwards!" she is clearly on the defence now.
The fight clearly would go on and on for ages, all in vain. The reason being, one person was being unreasonably passive and they will be on the defence, no matter what you tell them or how you confront them.
Scene AFTER: You are having one of the worst fights with your wife on a very silly topic about household chores. Her first instinct is to withdraw and go into absolute silence. Your response is to give her time and space. Because of lack of attention, she is now passive aggressive. After a couple of hours of passive aggression, you give up.
"Hey! I know you are upset with the fight we had, I apologise. But I also know that I need some time to process the fight and understand how to solve the problem. Is there a middle ground?" you ask, in an empathetic tone.
"I don't know! I don't want to find any solution to this!" she is cold.
"I know you don't want to. But I'd really appreciate if we could find one, and if you could help me find a solution" you ask.
"Let's think about the solution" she says, almost cold
The argument is now at least warm, not too hot or not too cold. Given some space and time, there most definitely would be a solution coming onto the problem without anyone being on defence.
MORAL: Passive aggression is an indication that there is discomfort in talking about emotions, so the only way they can show is by showing passively. With passive aggression comes a great deal of defence. Defensive people will blow up fights unknowingly. The way out could be putting them on forefront - ask them for help and solution. Make them feel wanted and understood.
Chapter-4: How To Deal With Someone Who Is Always Stressed Out?
Scene BEFORE: You and your younger sister are in a conversation where she needs to complete an assignment in 4 days; and she hasn't even started. She is freaking out, clearly stressed beyond rhyme and reason.
"But you do have 4 days to complete it, I don't get why the stress!"
"You don't understand! I wanted to start last week. If I had started last week, I'd have completed by now and I'd have been proof reading it! I don't think I'll do it" she cribs
"I think you're being dramatic! You can still start and get it done!" you are a little annoyed by now
"It'd be a shoddy job!"
You understand by now that no amount of suggestions or advice would get her start the assignment. It's as if she has decided to be stressed for no reason! You give up on explaining it to her.
Scene AFTER: You and your younger sister are in a conversation where she needs to complete an assignment in 4 days; and she hasn't even started. She is freaking out, clearly stressed beyond rhyme and reason.
"I know you regret not having started last week itself. It's a valid concern. But hey, let's see what we can do now!"
"No, I think it'd be a waste of time. I am really stressed now!"
"You have done amazing in the past with such pulled back deadlines too. I trust you, you'll pull this one off too" you say, in an encouraging tone
"Umm, how do I even start?" she sounds confused
"Now that's a good question. Let's chalk a plan out and navigate through the deadline. One step at a time, this should be easy" you reassure
In no time, her stress eases out while chalking out a practical plan to get the assignment done. She almost never depends on you to chalk the plan out, you realise all she needed was a little push.
MORAL: Stress for some people can be the only way to stimulate their work. That's all they know to get things done. In such a scenario, while letting them be might sound the best option - acknowledging their stress, praising them and even offering help could be the best antidote to their stress, while also getting work done.
Review:
I bought it thinking this would be a more of a self-help book. However, this was more of a conglomerate of several best HBR articles that focus on these topics, revolving around corporate hacks. The articles were short and crisp, with relevant tags and examples.
A good read to start your journey of psychology reading. But if you are already into reading a lot of books on psychology, this might not be the best use of your time.
Most of the hacks, tips and tricks are for your bosses, colleagues and friends in office. A good one day read, if you will.
This summary pretty much summarises all that's there in the book - with morals and examples (spun off of course).
Articles of the chapters of HBR:
There are 3 more chapters with a similar storyline and moral, hence I decided to not include them here.
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