Did you watch the movie "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days"? The movie is about a girl trying to make a guy fall out of love with her, while the guy is trying to make her fall in love with him.
If you watch the movie to have a good time and watch a rom-com without using any logic; you'll like the movie. If you watch the movie to pick some lessons on love, passion, and relationships - you'll fumble big time.
The movie has scenes where the girlfriend throws tantrums over the guy wanting to hang out with his guy friends, not spending enough time with her, not bringing her flowers, and not picking her phone up - now these are all tricky situations. One might even argue that these are borderline toxic. But if you look at the crux of what she was trying to do:: She was trying to get some reassurance from him. And she, in the movie, demonstrates, how exactly NOT to ask for reassurance.
I always thought that I knew how to communicate, that I knew the templates, and that I knew what to expect out of these people when I communicated. But as I grew into an adult, I observed that I didn't know enough to state that I could do this very well.
More often than not, I didn't realize that all I wanted was a little assurance - and then reassurance- for me to keep going. And since I didn't know this very well, I would act up, throw a tantrum, pick a fight, and start looking at things through a negative lens as a part of my confirmation bias exercise - but all I needed was assurance around something/someone / someplace / some plan.
So one fine day, I asked myself if I knew how to ask for reassurance when I needed that, from others. Be it whatever relationship.
So I figured out a few ways to narrow down the instances when I genuinely need reassurance and nothing beyond or beneath it:
Here's what the list of events looked like:
When things get tough: The definition of "tough" is definitely different for different people. That said, when I feel like things are demanding a lot more out of me, that's when I tend to incline a lot towards the assurance from my people - the closest ones I have - that things will be alright and I am headed the right way.
When I have given my best (irrespective of the outcome of the situation): That's also when I rely on my people a lot to feel proud of me irrespective of the outcome of the situation. Now I know a lot of people might think this is insecurity that I get to rely so much on external validation in times of crisis - but sometimes it is better to accept that we all need this from the closest folks in our life.
When I feel the emotional distance, despite physical closeness: Despite being physically in the same room, if I feel emotionally distant; I tend to panic a little. In those times, all I need is a bit of reassurance from the partner that it's not me that is the problem here.
The list goes long, but these are a few instances (in a broad sense) that I start needing reassurance. Now I have noticed that I also start to pick fights when I start needing a pat on my back. That, in today's Instagram generation, is termed a "red flag". I accept.
So I then did a bit of digging into why I pick fights instead of just communicating that I need reassurance. Then I went ahead to try it - asking for it whenever I needed it. But it seldom worked. The reason is, that in times of needing reassurance, we don't necessarily know. even if we know, we don't know how to ask it. So I then formulated a go-to chart as to how I can figure out when I need it, and how to ask it from others (that's the last resort after I have tried giving that assurance to myself):
How to ask for reassurance:
The anger: There are moments when I am frustrated and irritated and I need someone close to calm me down because I am unhinged. That's when I need someone to just be around me with their calming energy. There's no need to talk to me, say anything to me, or even offer a shoulder. Just the mere presence does it all.
The emotional: Oh the hormones sometimes! The hormones cause me to be more unhinged than I would like for myself to be. In that case, I just need someone's shoulder where I can rest my head and call it a day/week/month/life. No words or discussions are necessary, just that shoulder and maybe an ice cream?
The sad: I probably tried for something to happen and it didn't happen - and now I am sad. I need words in this case. I need someone to tell me that I did give my best, and that it was enough - but not rightly enough. Which is okay. Now this is where I need words more than just presence.
These are broad 3 buckets for me where I first categorize my feeling and then I draw it into what I need from that feeling. It's easier for me to communicate in this case what I need and what I would like the other person to do. The only caveat sometimes is that I end up "demanding" what I need. That usually always backfires. So now the next step is to effectively communicate - that could be a different article.
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