If you have watched the movie 'Qala' on Netflix, you would have an idea about the struggles Qala had to undergo to find a stable ground in her singing career, to find a safe mentor and to forget the past completely as though it never existed.
But what lies underneath all this, is Qala's excessive obsession with her mother. It's not love and it's not respect that she has for her mother. It's pure obsession of trying to win her approval and seek that appreciation from the mother.
We all have a figure like that in our lives - to some extent.
It could be a father, or a mother, or a partner, or a friend, or a manager, or a teacher, or a colleague - it could be just about anyone in your life that you think is very important. There's usually an innate need in humans, in general, to seek validation from others as a means to get the confidence that somebody is on the right path.
"Do you think I should wear this outfit?"
"Do you think I should take that job offer up?"
"Should we eat noodles?"
"Can I simply send this email to them, is it too rude?"
We have often heard ourselves asking these questions to our friends and family. These are general questions that we ask, just to assure us that we are headed the right way and that we are "Validated" externally.
This is alright. We all need directions, once in a while, from others just so that we adhere to societal norms.
But the real problem presents itself when you dedicate your mind space, your energy and your time in evaluating ways in which you can win their 'hearts', and thus their 'approval'. At the very core, we all are designed in a way that we do seek appreciation, validation and are wanting to be liked by others. That said, the need for approval from a specific someone arises from deep seated traumas and childhood issues that were never resolved.
Going back to Qala's life for a bit, she definitely did not like singing. The only reason she even took to singing was because her mother was a singer herself, and a good one at that. When she saw that her mother was a tough nut to crack and was not easily impressed by whatever talent Qala possessed - Qala immediately assumed that she is not enough.
She practically spent the entire life just seeking, begging and coaxing her mother's reactions and praises - which never came through until Qala was on deathbed.
How would I know if I am trying to win someone's approval?
If I go out of my way to just 'please' them: If I ever find myself doing things I do not like; it might mean that there is someone who likes this, and I am trying to please them. The underlying reasons could be the other persons' lack of appreciation for me, and / or fear of them abandoning if I don't manage to please them.
The unreasonable fear of their disapproval: Them not approving is still a safe space for me, but the fear of them rejecting me or disapproving what I do is massive. If I ever have to spend days wondering if they disapprove of me - it's safe to say that the relation is not helping me grow.
If more than an hour a day is spent on thinking of how to win their approval: If I find myself strategising and thinking of ways to win their approval, get their appreciation / compliments or even just get them remotely impressed - I am wasting my life thinking about something that would never be achieved. I'd rather do something that is productive for my growth, instead of being anxious and teach my nervous system to rely on others' for happiness.
If my happiness is dependent on them, I am seeking approval: If I ever see that my happiness dwindles based on their mood and their appreciation for me, I have already given them the keys to my happiness chamber.
If I feel guilty for having different preferences and likes: We all have unique interests, likes, dislikes and preferences in almost everything. If I ever feel guilty for having different likes than them, I am punishing myself for not being like them - which is unfair.
How can I address this innate need to seek approval from 'them'?
Having a conversation with your thoughts: Your mind is telling you that you are not as important as the other person, and that you need to them to weigh your opinions. The first thing I would do is to sit with my thoughts and understand where this need is stemming from. It could be because someone in my childhood wasn't appreciative of what I did and who I was. It could also be because of low self-esteem issues.
Low self-esteem: We all have insecurities. So you don't have to worry about the fact that there are some of us with insecurities weighing us down. The second thing, after trying to understand why I have the need for approval would be to really reflect on whether or not I have low self-esteem. This again can stem from multiple things from the childhood. But having low self-esteem usually causes many hurdles in adult relations. The faster you address this, the better the relations would flourish.
Self work is usually always the key to increase your self esteem, be confident in your own decisions and choices and trust the process. It's not an overnight journey or a miracle that comes through as soon as you have this realisation. It's a journey in itself where you would have to really be honest with yourself, try and understand why you do what you do and then try breaking the patterns, the chains and the thoughts.
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