Once in a while, I find myself in a position where I know that if I have that one last conversation, that one last meeting, and that one eye-to-eye, heart-to-heart vulnerable chat; I would be able to move on. I would be able to close that chapter once and for all and be free - from all the chains holding me back to that one person, that one incident, that one friend, that one night, or that one fight. While I stand motionless to absorb this craving for closure, I can sense my heart having this eternal battle with my mind. My mind knows that the closure would not be the close of it, after all. But my heart. Alas, the heart! It yearns for that "last" chat so much. I give in.
I know this trait of me. I know this trait of us. I know this trait is the driving factor for just so many things - the universe if you will. Without the closure, without the end, it just doesn't feel right; does it?
I was watching a movie the other day - Leave The World Behind - which ends on an open end. There's no closure. The rest of the movie is open to interpretation. I was so upset with the ending because my mind was flailing around to find the most suitable ending to the movie and I just couldn't point my finger at one ending that fit the story the best. "Shouldn't the directors have given us that closure?" I kept asking myself.
So this one time I had a tiff with a person I used to admire and we both subtly agreed that we don't see value in this friendship anymore and my first instinct was to have the last parting conversation. I really wanted to have that one last meet-up somewhere in a place where we used to hang out earlier, and that would be it. That, I really believed, would make it easier for me to move on from our friendship. Or so I believed.
But then it was time to be vulnerable with myself. What was I seeking with this "one last meet-up"?
I was not seeking the end of the friendship. I liked her company, and I was hoping to meet for one last time so she sees that there is value that I was getting on the table, and that this friendship could go on. While this seems like a very straightforward feeling, it usually isn't. When we know it's the time to let go, we usually delay the parting for as long as possible just so we could hold on to whatever is left.
I was looking for one good reason to hate the person, so moving on becomes easier. Since I liked her company - especially because I liked her company - it would be difficult for me to move on. So for me to do so, my coping mechanism could be to end up hating the person, and finding faults in the person so the moving on part is easier. That could be why I was looking for a closure, so to push the person further more or have them push me farther away.
For me, it was either of the two reasons in this situation. But neither of the two talked about me seeking closure to actually close the relation. And it made me wonder if that is the reason why so many of us cling on to closures for so long. That one apology, or meeting, or message, or a thank you, or a goodbye! It's never really about closing the chapter, is it? It's always something we need to either keep the relation going or the memories going.
That made me realise that closures are a trap. No amount of closure is ever going to be a good enough closure for us to move on. When we truly are done with something, that becomes our closure - that we are done. It's only when we are not ready to move on or not done yet or are weak to keep staying; is when our hopeful self keeps looking for closures from the other person and the universe - which we seldom get.
So the next time you look for closures and ask for the same from the other person, stop yourself for a second and ask yourself if it's a closure that you are actually seeking.
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